Bottom's Up [Mercer Hi Times, 1964-1965]
November 13, 1964
Inspired by a recent discussion in Sunny Jim (gee, that's me!) Wichterman's philosophy class, we have decided to untangle the social situation around olt Merzer. The first step of this project involves identification and separation of the class types, telling the goods, or "cools," from the hoods and bourgeois. Here is a test, then, by which a boy may determine his social "sophistication."
1. Do you drive Daddy's car and tell everyone it's your own?
2. Do you currently wear Gant shirts, striped wide ties, cuffed pants, and wing tips (near extinction)?
3. Have you hidden your Army jacket, Italian (sic) boots, 69 football jersey, tight cuffless pants and skinny black tie in the back of your closet?
4. Do you know when and where to drop the names of socially prominent people attending Garfield (all hail!) and occasionally Lakeside?
5. Have you forgone the Mickey Mouse Club for more 'mature' groups such as the C.G.s' Are you collegiate?
7. Do you occasionally visit the Samoa and talk (for a short time, naturally) with the "lower" class?
8. Does your hair hang in your eyes?
9. Have you been to the drags?
10. Do you come originally from California and know how to surf?
11. Have you laughed loudly at this whole thing, knowing full well it was aimed at you?
Well, it's Lloyd Thaxton Time, and we cools like to watch how to get new ideas. See you in the Police Blotter.
February 19, 1965
by Greg Palmer, free lance Arrogant loudmouth. (first of a series)
Mercer Island is
... Diane Katz and Patsy Campbell going down to the Edgewater Inn, rubbing the doorknob the Beatles used with a Kleenex and selling pieces of it.
... Mr. Wichterman's black gull wing 300 SL with orange Moroccan Bavarian leather upholstery, red wheels and Weber carburetors (Moselstrasses's favorite son, Anton Weber.)
... John Heard (you made it again, John!), Mike Crystal, Ward Lucas, Frank Lippus, Larry Henning, Don Lowe, Mr. Minstrell, Mr. Shipp, John Graham, Betty Lowman, Jan Johnston and yours truly all knowing exactly where the Mustang keys were buried.
...The United States/ biggest satellite named after the MIHS literary magazine.
... all the mothers lurking around school when they hear that we're studying Hume again (Whom, Johnny? That's right, Ma.)
... "Yours truly, Don"----an artistic triumph.
... girls named Ralph.
... The great Crystal-Wichterman Mustang debates ("It's a pig car." "What! How can you say that?" "It's a pig, simple." "It's a product of fine American craftsmanship!" "Right, a pig.")
- Russell's Fine Foods crowd.
... "Completely a residential district, with no local businesses, and not even a gas station nestled in among the trees." Quotation courtesy Captain of the Grayline Sightseeing boat, the SS Sightseer. Nice job, Captain.
May 21, 1965
With the end of the year just a few short days away, it's high time the Mercer HI Times announced its annual Awards, before this column joins that great high school newspaper in the sky.
Here then, are the Mercer Hi Times Awards for 1965
To the Senior Lounge Inhabitants, goes the Nice Work award and a special citation for GOOD HOUSEKEEPING.
To the Prom Committee, who bought too little punch and too much ice, so much that you couldn't get the ladle in the bowl, goes the Good Planning award and this poem.
ODE TO THE PROM
with deep apologies to Keats and his Ode to a Nightingale
My feet ache, and an empty numbness pains
My cents, as though at Canlis I had dined
And watched my thinning wallet quickly drain.
One sawbuck lost for cummerbund to bind;
Through "Brigadoon" we chase our plodding lot
But being too stiffly clad in Nudelmanly mess--
That I, lead-footed Cretin of the greens
In some melodious plot
Of screechin' Kleeb, and shadows dressed,
Dancing to summer with Kings and Queens.
And last, I want to award Jimmy Rogers, Bill Strausz, Mike Crystal, John Heard, Ken Perdue, Phil Rosemurgy, and Brad Kelleran (oh yes, Ken Jacobsen too) with the Our Gang Comedy Memorial Award for making this column so easy to write. Thanks a lot, fellas, a million thanks to you.
June 3, 1965
(The following is the rough plan for an all school musical extravaganza to be produced next year at this time. It is based on Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado. It is presented with deep apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. Mike E. Doe
Scene - a hallway, at 7:45 a.m., Wednesday, June 9
Chorus of Schoolboys
If you want to know who we are,
We're the graduation clan:
On many a Mercer wall.
On many a Mercer can.
Our numbers we proudly paint
A '65 queer and quaint:
We're great! (Who says we ain't?) Ho!
Enter Mike E. Doe
Recit - Mike
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me
Where a gentle fellow dwelleth
Called Petersky, the college councellor?
In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!
A Boy: Who's asking?
Song - Mike
A Wandering senior I, a thing of graduations,
Of college applications, and Valedictory remarks.
My hair is rather long, down to my faded Levis,
But would you please tell me guys,
For I am new to your scho-oool,
For I am new to your school.
A Boy: Here he comes now.
Behold the Lord High College Councellor,
A personage of noble rank and title,
A hurried and confusing officer
Whose functions are particularly vital!
With the Lord High College Councellor!
Song - M. Petersky
And if some day it may happen that you finally graduate,
I've got a little list - I've got a little list
Of caps and gowns and ticket stubs and things that just can't wait,
So no one will be missed - so no one will be missed.
There's the parents and the cousins and the gray-haired wizened aunts,
And the boys who come in bare feets and the girls who come in pants,
And the standing and the sitting and the marching all around,
Remember diplomas (which I haven't as yet found)
And the speeches and the preachers and the children to be kissed,
And no one will be missed - and no one will be missed.
(In three arias and one modern ballet, it is established that Mike E. Doe, a new student from California, by a plot contrivance wants to be graduated from MIHS, and that Mr. Petersky is more than happy to let him, because Mike's father owns a snap-on tassel company. Time for a comic interlude.)
Enter Jimmy, Johnny, and Billy (followed by chorus of followers.
Three little men from school are we,
Future fratmen yes sirree,
Tops in popularity,
Three little men from school!
Jimmy: Everything is a source of fun!
Johnny: Nobody's safe for we care for none!
Billy: Life's a joke that's just begun!
All: Three little men from school!
Three little men from school! (They exit, as always, laughing)
Mike E.: Who was that?
A fat boy: Oh we just sort of tolerate them around here.
(From here the plot, such as it is, progresses rapidly. There is a graduation rehearsal (From Every Kind of Man Obedient I Expect), a Cap and Gown Dressing Session, A Mother's March, and commencement. It is Time for the Finale, finally.)
Finale - Entire Cast
All: The threatened cloud has passed away,
And brightly shines the dawning day;
What though the night may come too soon,
We've months and months of afternoon!
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song and merry dance
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career!